Let’s Talk About Self Pleasure
What did you learn about masturbation? Which I don’t like calling it. And once I googled the etymology of the word I understood why, as it has latin roots that mean “to defile or dishonor oneself” with your own hand... No thanks.
Self Pleasure fits much more with what it is and could be. My goal is always to shed light on a subject from the perspective of women’s experiences, as well as how something effects all people in bodies, as best as I can tell, and how something intersects with the ways we feel about ourselves, each other, and what we are taught and absorb from the cultures we live in.
In terms of self pleasure, I feel that most young boys are told that masturbation or playing with themselves, and exploring that sensation is natural, normal, and while it may be sort of secret, is part of puberty and an accepted thing for them to do. From the outside looking in, it seems it is encouraged. I also asked a human male source who confirmed that yes, they are given a positive message about it.
Young girls are not given that same message. At all.
I feel like if children with penises are found in the bath, or anywhere else- maybe not in public, but maybe even there if they are young enough- playing with themselves, our societal reaction is “oh how cute, he’s discovering his penis haha endearing vibes”. While if girls are found doing that equivalent it is often times met with energy and words of ridicule, condemnation, shame, and like something perverted is happening. In puberty, as sexual energy, curiosity, body changes, and hormones are shifting, most girls are not taught that exploring their own body is safe, healthy, and natural. More often than not we are given the massage that it's gross, weird, slutty, dirty, and meant to be kept quiet if done at all. This is very similar to what we are told about our periods and menstrual cycles. I have to add after some group texting with friends who have teenage kids that these days it also seems like kids are given the message that masturbation or self pleasure is only cool if it is in relation to another person. As in you need an object of arousal or desire for it to be socially acceptable. So young people are encouraged to masturbate and touch themselves, but with the underlying point missing the mark. Instead of it being about self knowledge, safety, ok-ness, and that sexuality is natural, it’s about being cool and socially acceptable.
You can see how this translates down the line into so many aspects of sex. More importantly and wider reaching - as it creates the influence on sex and intimacy- is the effect on our relationship with our bodies and with our own sexual feelings and impulses. Little boys are told their penises are amazing! Boys in puberty are told masturbating is normal and part of growing up. Men think their dick has magical powers and should be showcased to all. Hello man spreading, walking pelvis first, the idea that they can literally walk up to a woman on a dance floor or subway and rub their crotch against her, that preventing pregnancy is solely the responsibility of the woman, and the way they think we should all worship it. I always have to add the caveat that not all men display this entitled dick forward behavior. Many men grow out of it, actively want to be a different way, or are raised differently. Most men do however man spread… I love men. I know there are so many good ones. I hate what society teaches them. Women are part of, can be part of, and can actively enforce the patriarchy as well. It’s a thing.
Little boys thinking their penises are amazing is harmless. Men who think their penises run the world are dangerous.
All bodies are amazing. And exploring them as young children and at any age is normal. What are these parts and what do they do? As more and more sex and body research and non-bias or stigmatized psychology comes into the public sphere, we understand more and more that young children exploring the sensations of their body is not necessarily about sex or sexual desire. It’s about discovering that parts of their body feel certain ways when they do things to them. And even if there is an element of sexual arousal or sexual behavior, the absolute worst thing we can do to children is teach them to associate fear, shame, and a shock to their nervous system- being yelled at or grabbed to stop - with the sensations they are exploring.
Adults, with our mixed and wounded relationships to our own bodies and sexuality, as my good friend said, our stigma against bodies and sex, project that onto children. Who then grow up with that shame and internalized embarrassment directly associated with their body and with those sensations that later become connected to sex and intimacy.
We are meant to know what we like, what feels good, what orgasm feels like, and how our own body, mind, and emotions respond to things.
These are also all things that we are meant to discover as we grow into fully formed adults. I think the reason most women go through this process in their early to mid thirties is because that’s the period of our life when we finally get fed up with the bullshit we are taught and start reclaiming ourselves and our relationship to our bodies and selves. if we had more education, open dialogue, and were taught a different paradigm and way of approaching ourselves and sex from a younger age, maybe wouldn’t have to go through the uncomfortable, sometimes traumatic, in the least not fun or pleasurable, sometimes humiliating experiences we’ve all had. Maybe we wouldn’t have to experience those things to the same degree. I know those experiences teach us, but I also know a lot of it comes from not having the self esteem, confidence, awareness, or empowerment that comes with education and an adult figure or figures instilling in us over and over and over again our worth. It’s nuanced and I am in no way saying those things prevent coercion or assault or pressure. I do however believe that in non violent or non threatening situations, someone who feels confident in themselves and doesn’t equate their self worth with sex makes different choices.
I am an advocate of age appropriate education. When a child naturally asks about sex or where babies come from, I believe in explaining it truthfully in terms they can understand. We in no way need to, or should be like, Mommy/Daddy really likes when Daddy/Mommy does xyz. Please. Condescending and not appropriate. But telling children that a bird brought their baby brother or sister does not aid in creating an educated and sex positive family or society. I come from very direct, non traditional parents. I remember I asked my mom probably around 6 years old what sex was and she told me. This part goes there. Grown ups do it for fun and because they love each other. That’s how babies get in the belly. I remember that moment really clearly and that my reaction was along the lines of ok, weird, got it. They also told me straight up that Santa wasn’t real when I asked. I wanted the truth. I’ve always been like that. That is not to say I grew up issue free in terms of my body, sex, and intimacy. Definitely not. I was told maybe one thing about sex as a teenager: that if I wasn’t ready to talk about what I was doing with someone I wasn’t ready to do it. This was excellent advice that literally had me not getting very much in high school. I also probably needed a lot more dialogue and education and advice. It took me a while to be comfortable with myself and with talking about all the things with someone else.
Some good points:
Self Pleasure is about self knowledge and awareness.
Also stress relief as it is very healthy for the adrenals and nervous system on a chemical level. Orgasm releases a lot of cortisol from the body, clearing it out so levels are more balanced. It’s also about the fact that sometimes you can give yourself many more orgasms on your own. Because of all the things.
We are all meant to have the experience of pleasure in a safe space.
For men and women, but especially women who are not encouraged to enjoy or like our own body, it's a way to claim our body, sexual energy, and pleasure and feel safe doing so.
Self Pleasure is part of cycle tracking.
By being in contact with our body and arousal throughout the month, we experience the many leveled & nuanced changes we go through. Such as the fact that genital tissue, appearance, size, and the sensitivity of the inner and outer genitalia shift throughout the phases of the cycle. Desire and arousal can be very different depending on the phase you're in. It’s about being comfortable touching yourself and checking in with yourself. Checking cervical mucus is one of the number one ways to identify fertility and ovulation and we have to touch ourself in order to see what’s up. It’s amazing to me the number of people that will do all kinds of things with a partner but baulk at touching their own body. Not even in a sexual way. I’m talking science ya’ll.
There is nothing weird or shameful about knowing & maybe even liking your own body.
Being comfortable with your body is a game changer in all areas of life. Many people say that in moments of pleasuring themselves and experiencing orgasm in that space, they have the experience of feeling beautiful, sexy, powerful, and vulnerable all at once with very little to no mental interference. Being able to feel and cultivate that in ourselves helps us bring that sense of self into all areas of our lives.
Like with everything else, be mindful. Do it from a place of positivity and SelfLove.
Sexual energy is life force energy and vice versa.
Our sexuality is first and foremost for us. It's not only in relation to another person. Most importantly, there is nothing dirty, taboo, or bad about pleasuring yourself. Different people enjoy doing it different ways, which is the whole point. To discover what works for you. Try as best you can to suspend judgement about what turns you on and realize we are complex beings with many different parts of ourselves. Also it’s important to note that what turns you on alone is not necessarily the same thing that turns you on with someone else. This is all about understanding yourself and if you choose can lead you to realizations and healing in relation to your body, your sexuality, and your self expression.
Enjoy,
Zara